NFL Predictions Sure to Come True

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Week 3: The Cowboys beat up on the Redskins on Monday Night Football when Rex Grossman remembers he’s Rex Grossman and throws four interceptions, three of which are returned for touchdowns.

Week 4: Buffalo plays at Cincinnati. They both lose.

Week 5: The Lions move to 5-0 with a resounding win over the Bears in the first ever Monday night game at Ford Field. Shortly after, the Lions’ headquarters in Allen Park folds up on itself like the house at the end of Poltergeist.

Week 6: After Drew Brees sustains an injury at Tampa Bay, the Saints sign Brett Farve to quarterback them for the rest of the season. Even though they finish at 8-8 and out of the playoffs, the season is considered a success when Farve makes it through the rest of the campaign without texting any pictures of his junk.

Week 7: The Bengals have a bye. The entire city of Cincinnati celebrates.

Week 8: In his quest to draft his college quarterback Andrew Luck, coach Jim Harbaugh continues starting Alex Smith. Previously 0-6 on the season, Harbaugh also benches Frank Gore, Michael Crabtree and Patrick Willis. It’s all for naught as the 49ers, who are playing Cleveland, win anyway.

Week 9: The Broncos and Raiders set a record by combining to use six quarterbacks during Denver’s 3-0 win. Kyle Orton, Brady Quinn, Tim Tebow, Jason Campbell, Kyle Boller and Terrelle Prior also set a modern record for worst hype-to-results ratio in the history of the NFL.

Week 10: The Cowboys get a gift win when their opponent, the Bills, decides to take a second bye week instead of traveling to Dallas.

Week 11: Commissioner Goodell says that an existing team will be moving to Los Angeles. Early rumors focus on the Bills or Vikings being the team that moves. Cincinnati fans sign a petition to get the Bengals to go. It almost works, until owner Mike Brown figures out how much moving vans would be.

Week 12: Washington and Rex Grossman take on the Tavaris Jackson-led Seahawks. Fox refuses to show the game, instead running Turner and Hooch for the 156th time. Fans everywhere rejoice.

Week 13: Jay Cutler watches his counterpart Matt Cassel throw an interception on the first drive of the game as the Bears host the Chiefs. Incredulous that his former coach preferred Cassel to him, Cutler proceeds to get sacked thirteen times, throw four interceptions and fumble twice in a 24-7 loss to Kansas City.

Week 14: The Lions beat the Vikings, moving their record to 9-4 and clinching their first winning season since 1999. The earth shifts on its axis, causing days to now be 23 hours, 56 minutes long.

Week 15: Not convinced that he’s secured the first pick, Jim Harbaugh pulls out all the stops – he starts only two offensive lineman against the Steelers on Monday Night Football. But once again, his plan is thwarted. The Steelers are forced to start WR Hines Ward and T Willie Colon at CB due to losing nine defensive starters to league suspensions stemming from a game of rock-paper-scissors on the team bus the week before. Despite Ward and Colon combining for three interceptions of Alex Smith, it’s not enough as the 49ers scramble for a 7-3 victory.

Week 16: Commissioner Goodell holds a State-of-the-NFL press conference where he announces that he would like “the NFL to expand to 32 teams.” When informed that there are already 32 teams, he replies with “Yes. I know. I wasn’t counting the Browns.”

Week 17: The Lions shock the Packers in Green Bay, winning there for the first time since 1991, clinching the division title and playoff spot. The world ends.